Final Straw

Ugh. Things are not going well in the online dating world. Let's quickly recap the doughbaggery du juor. (I don't know how to say the week in French.) So last week I had been exchanging emails with a dashing young fellow (four years my junior) who's good looks and witty emails encouraged me to lower my standards yet another level. As we chatted I quickly realized there was no spark. Not to mention he narcissisticly talked about how his dentist couldn't believe he had chosen such a difficult minor to pursue. I'm sorry, but that man gets paid to have a rapport with you. Oh, and he lived at home with his parents...in Vancouver. After he flew from the table without even so much as a pseudo-grab for his wallet to buy my beer I was fuming. I realize it's not the kid's fault he was uninteresting and young but he tricked me. Nothing about him in real life was like his profile. That night I of course got on my computer and diligently (ok, obsessively) checked out the latest profile stalks from my OkCupid grabbag. It was during this time I was asked out over instant message. Have we talked about LadyBird's recent plummet of standards? I met up with this particular fella at a coffee shop after work. The date lasted 15 minutes. I kid you not. Our conversation included burritos, his guitar skills, whiskey, and the best place to buy burritos. In that order.

I came home that night and deleted my profile.

Now, I must admit I have been feeling a little lost this week without my nightly men shopping routine. Weird as it sounds, it had become a comfort for me. Not only a comfort but a crutch really. But each and every date seemed to get worse. I'm not even sure it was the guys getting worse. Unfortunately, I think it was my attitude and the fact I was trying to force it. (Don't tell any of those coupled up people I said that.)

But guess what? Last night I ran into a man from Real Life whom I had forgotten about during my online dating escapades. And he's accompanying me to a cocktail party tonight.

I'm going to call it a date.

Sorry cats, there is hope yet...

The Male BFF

"I love you man"
Pic nabbed from http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Cats/Friends.htm

Picture this: A warm, cozy, low lit bar. Laughing girl sits folded over crossed legs and secretly acknowledges her unusually good feeling about this particular date. Shaggy haired boy with kind eyes and very little hint of axe murderer tendencies smiles back at the girl and silently prays he can keep girl laughing.

But then, his phone rings. Girl thinks, it must be another girl. Maybe it's his mom. She says, "no go ahead and answer it, it's fine!" but thinks, "if you answer that you're in for it buddy".

Boy answers, then gets quiet. Nods, murmurs, and averts eyes. Girl now knows it must be his girlfriend. Moment is completely ruined.

But wait, it's get worse. The caller on the other line? The dude's buddy. His pal. His bro. His BFF. Now, no guy is ever going to admit they have a BFF. But ladies, let me tell you, this male bromance thing is on the up and up. The above scenario? Completely true! And this has happened to me on more than one occasion with multiple guys.

Now, I am no stranger to BFFs. In fact, I have multiple, thick, sick, codependent friendships. It's because of this that I think I'm bothered by guys having BFF relationships. If these guys are getting their needs met in the same way I am from my friends, well, then, there's really no reason for anyone to date.

I mean think about it, BFFs support you, call you daily, boss you around, ask your opinion, tell you there's, check in, trust you, etc. Yeah, there's not the sexual piece, but that's why vibrators were invented right??

Now, obviously, I would like to think that reason I'm searching for someone is because I could share something different with that person than I could with a friend. But, I've lately been wondering if my independent nature combined with intense friendships are keeping me from letting others (guys) in?

What is your experience with BFFs and dating? Has anyone's friendship or partner's friendship sabotaged a romantic relationship? Is it unfair to be turned off by a guy's super-close dude friendship?

Online Dudes vs. Real Dudes Part Deux (A guest commentary)

Photo nabbed from http://www.innocentenglish.com/cute-animals/cute-baby-kittens-puppies-img/siamese-cat-online-img115.jpg

A post or two back I posed the question, "Does the fact that you met on a website take some of the fun and excitement out of it or ease some of your anxieties about meeting new people?"

You've heard my opinion on this topic. Now let's hear what one of my snarky girlfriends, Little Shooter, has to say on this topic:

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How does "I think I'm going to take my dog for a walk." turn into "I think I'm going to take my dog on a walk to the plaid pantry." turn into "I just drank an entire bottle of $6 wine."? (So I haven't torn my way through the whole bottle yet but it's a slippery slope.) How does that happen? To whom does that happen? Well, it happens to me - Little Shooter. Has happened. More than once. And do you know where a bottle of cheap wine leaves you? Watching a lifetime movie...


Not to say that I don't have some sort of option that I could have tapped into on a Saturday night. But I "chose" to stay in on account of the second head cold in six weeks that has called my head it's home. (PS I think the girl from My Girl (sad Culkin movie where boy with allergy to bees dies?) is co-starring in this crappy holiday lifetime movie. Some IMDB action will hopefully solve the mystery.)) I digress.


Topic of real life guy vs. internet guy... I turn to Ladybird's quote... "Does the fact that you met on a website take some of the fun and excitement out of it or ease some of your anxieties about meeting new people?"


Both. The answer is both. My mother (yes, I've turned to my mother for advice/counsel/pitty etc.) gave to me this example; "The job you find after months of grooming your resume and interviewing repeatedly is not as exciting as the same job offered to you when the man behind you in the coffee shop line offers you a position after he picks up your fallen business card. It's the spontaneity." Other side of the coin? Repeated "first dates" help to... dilute some of the excessive excitement (?) some girls may feel after having met "a great new guy" in the real world. (ie One upright male with a full set of teeth, a vocabulary, a penchant for eye contact, and possibly a checking account. (Important not because we are gold diggers but because that's a clue to grown-up responsibility.)) Repeated first dates allows us to get accustomed to the anxiety/excitement. After the first few not-so-great attempts we decide that we have nothing to lose and we make it practice. Practice for what we consider "the real life encounter."


The bonus for online guy? He sees the fab girl we act like when we are in the full-length mirror. But it sucks to be 'online-guy'... Our experiences become diluted. Our encounter with said online dude means less 'cause we have a whole inbox of dudes that would also like to meet us for coffee/beer this week.


We are not cocky. Honestly. We're not. But there's a string of dudes out there (however short) that think our "about me" is clever and our profile pic is adorbs... We appreciate their ballsiness in messaging us, and we want them to continue to do so. But please, let them be patient with us. Let them be patient with the system. "Real life" dudes may be spur-of-the-moment but they are just as likely to be douches as the next guy. It's all about timing and lighting.


(PS the My Girl girl is totally the co-star...)


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Little Shooter and I have had countless conversations to this effect. She is actually the gal who inspired me to start online dating again. Not because she was having such a magnificent time per se, but rather, because she seemed as though she was doing something proactive where as I was doing a lot of whining and moping about. Thank you for your opinions Little Shooter! And to anyone else who has had the fantastic luck of finding this blog, let me know your thoughts too!

Words of Wisdom

Photo nabbed from http://www.flickr.com/photos/bruce_mcadam/322383628/

Ask any single person what their absolute least favorite piece of unsolicited advice is and I'd bet money their answer would be, "Oh, you'll just know when it's the one". I'm sorry, but I need more specifics. I have met plenty of guys who, in my (neurotic) mind, very well could be it. I'm attracted to them, they sprinkle sweet anecdotes about their moms into conversations, and they make me laugh. Bam! You're now the one! But, apparently this is not how it works. The one thing those coupled-up advice givers do not tell you is that the guy also has to have that, "she's the one" feeling. To quote one of my girlfriends, "chemistry is a fickle bitch!" For example, last night I had a date with a very nice lad with thick dark hair, sexy latin accent, and a keen sense of style. During our date I found myself looking over his shoulder at the shaggy, bearded guy slumping over his PBR. And the funny thing is, my date was making me laugh, buying my drinks and genuinely interested in what I was saying. He very well could have been thinking I'm the one.

After dates like this I often feel exasperated and find myself tightening up my coat of cynicism even further. If I'm not pleased with good-looking gentlemen who shows genuine interest in me, who is going to make me happy? I often think all this online dating has desensitized me and made me even pickier than I was before. This makes me think of my second favorite piece of advice I've received- "You know, when I stopped looking I finally met him!" Thanks people, very helpful. One minute I'm being told "you'll never find him sitting at home" but when I repeatedly go out with different people and still can't find anyone of interest or the ones I'm interested in hurt my feelings, I'm told to stop looking?

I'm much too controlling to believe he's just going to fall into my lap (literally or figuratively). At least while I'm here in Portland. Since moving from the Midwest I think I've been approached by maybe two guys in the four years I've been here. Apparently the Pacific Northwest's laid back attitude also applies to dating. You've got to be proactive if you want to meet someone. Though I'm thinking I've got to start looking elsewhere...